From Nothing Comes Everything

25 Aug

One night my car died at 2 am on a 5 hour drive out of town. I had suspected it would. I had been trying hard to keep that car running. I figured the car wouldn’t last much longer but It just didn’t seem like the right time to get another one. Despite the fact that I had been contemplating getting rid of the thing, I hadn’t wanted the damn thing to breakdown on me.

Losing that car was one part of an entire series of me losing things. I had lost a relationship, an apartment, and a job. In truth, I felt more like they had been taken from me. So to have my car ‘taken,’ on top of all that, was more than I thought I could take.

It took a few days, but I found relief. I gave up and submitted to inevitability. It was sort of peaceful. I knew eventually I would replace all the things I had lost, but not having them had set me free. I was free to be brutally honest with myself about those things that had once been so important. What I realized was that none of those things had been the ideal that I had wanted. So what did it matter that I didnt have them? I think it was then when a seed began to grow inside me: my violet ambition. I decided I didn’t want to replace what I lost, I was going to skip the substitutions and get what I really wanted.

Judgment gets clouded when we are overly attached to people and things. We confuse consistency with quality. Because it’s always there we develop a sense of security from the familiarity. We dont fall in love with them, we fall in trust with them. We trust them to be exactly what we know them to be, no more or less. Regardless, of how unfulfilled we are by them, we begin to depend on them. Soon we forget how to live without them. Our dependence is built on the habits we build around the consistency of having them. And when the time comes to let them go, we can’t. Because we have forgotten (and dare not imagine) how to live without them.

The truth is that we are not just afraid to give up something we cherish, we don’t want to give up the security and comfort. We think there will be some empty void left if we them go. But sometimes peace is waiting in the absence of those people/things and at peace we find the will to reach into the void and create. From nothing comes everything.

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